


One Life

by bang-the-smoke (708_things)



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, M/M, Old Fic, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21597763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/708_things/pseuds/bang-the-smoke
Summary: Ryan and Brendon officially meet during a game of Spin The Bottle, which forces them to kiss. They both end up liking it, and experiment with each other. Feelings get involved into the mix, and it ends up teaching them lessons about life and love.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally posted on Wattpad under bang-the-smoke.

Ryan was an awkward yet charming sixteen year old. Because of this, he gets invited to parties all the time. Most times, he doesn't show up.

He's not sure why he shows up to this party, what exactly pushed him to go for it. It was most likely a decision he made to get some air.

The party seemed fairly typical. Red plastic cups were filled with alcohol, and loud music was playing. In the other room, people were playing party games. Ryan found himself over in that area, desperate to get away from the music.

It's a rather childish game of Spin The Bottle. Everyone coos at whoever has to kiss, and once its over, they're left blushing a faint pink. Or a bright pink. Really just depends on the person.

Then it was Ryan's turn. He spun the bottle and watched where it landed. His eyes widened and he involuntarily cowered.

A guy. He was going to have to kiss a fucking guy. There's nothing wrong with that in his opinion, but he's never done it before.

The people around them don't coo at them. They stare curiously, and some are a little encouraging, though reluctant. It's obvious that they're uncomfortable.

So, it happens. Ryan leans forward and kisses the guy, and the guy seems kind of into it, his eyes fluttering shut and his hand cupping Ryan's cheek. 

Ryan was shocked, surprised it wasn't even bad. It was good, in a way he hadn't expected. But it was over too soon for his curious mind. 

The guy pulled away and smiled shyly at him. The people around them quickly moved on, and the next person spun the bottle.

Soon the game stops, but the people stay in the area and talk amongst themselves in a medium volume. 

Ryan is approached by the guy he had kissed during the game.

"Hey, I don't think I know you are," he said, flashing a smile. "I'd like to know who I kissed."

Ryan shrugged. "My name's Ryan, yours?"

"Brendon," he said, and sat down next to Ryan. "Did you like it?"

"Erm," Ryan said awkwardly, a faint blush rising to his cheeks. "Uh, yeah. It was pretty good. Did you?"

Brendon grinned, and Ryan felt his lips curve into a smile in response. "I also thought it was pretty good."

"My first time," Ryan blurted out. When Brendon tilted his head curiously, Ryan added, "With a guy."

Brendon nodded sheepishly. "Me too."

"Really?" Ryan asked, remembering how comfortable he had seemed with it. 

Brendon nods again, and smiles shyly. "Anyway, I'm here to give you this." He grabs Ryan's arm and pulls up his sleeve, writing his number small against his wrist, signing his name with it.

Ryan looked up at him after looking at the number, and practically asked him without words what he wrote it for. 

It's not like they knew each other. Why would they need to be in contact?

"If you're up for doing something like that again," Brendon explains, "You know where to find me." 

Oh. Ryan gasps quietly, before he nods and says, "I see."

For a moment, Brendon remains standing there, and there's almost a show down between them. Who will break eye contact first?

It turns out to be Brendon, who waves before walking away and sitting back where he was originally, easily tuning in to the conversations around him.

And that was the start of it all.


	2. Chapter Two

brendon: can i come over in 15?

ryan: yeah, make sure to go through the window. don't want to risk anything, yknow?

brendon: yeah, i know.

\-----

After the party, Ryan had eventually contacted Brendon and they talked for a while before coming up with the conclusion that they wanted to keep experimenting with each other.

It's a fairly new arrangement, but normally Brendon goes over to Ryan's house, they kiss a little, talk, and then he leaves. It's nothing more than a friendship with the occassional kisses.

There is a clear set of boundaries in whatever it is that they are doing. They kiss, touch each other a little, and that was about it. 

Nothing more, and nothing less. No feelings involved. 

It's midnight when there is a quiet knock on his window, and Ryan walks over to it and opens it up, letting Brendon climb into his room. He shuts the window after him and puts the curtains over it.

"Is your dad gone?" Brendon asked.

Ryan nodded. "You know he is. I wouldn't let you over otherwise."

Brendon smiles briefly before leaning in for a kiss, his hands grabbing onto Ryan's shoulders. Ryan automatically grabs onto his hips, his grip firm.

It's normal for them to kiss, but for some reason, this felt gentle. Just the soft brushes of their lips and the feeling of relief flooding to their bodies, happy that they are back to this. Back where they belong, with their lips moving against each other's.

Brendon sighs into the kiss, and Ryan knows he's been wanting this for a while. Due to the riskiness, they don't do this as much as they would want to. 

Ryan pulls away for a moment, and grasps at his shoulders, peering into his dark brown eyes. They stare at each other, eyes examining their face to see if the other feels the same things.

It's clear to Ryan that he does. He can tell through the expression on his face that he is pleased, and he looks at Ryan with a certain fondness that Ryan knows he reciprocates.

Ryan goes back to kissing him, and in that moment, it's clear that this is more than experimenting. They gravitate towards each other; natural and purposeful.

The night goes on the way it normally does. More kissing until their mouths are sore and their eyes are bleary from exhaustion. 

Brendon walks towards the window, and looks back at Ryan for a moment. Ryan waves at him. "See you soon."

"Yeah," Brendon grins, before opening up the window and climbing out, safely making his way down.

Ryan watches him leave, leaning his hand on his cheek. He finds himself smiling.

He wished Brendon could come back up, and wished that maybe they could sleep in the same together. 

He wished he could hold Brendon in his arms as they slept.

While it's pretty clear there is something more between them, it's too early for Ryan to make a move like that. He's not courageous enough to do it. 

But he knows he wants that for them, and that's one step forwards in the right direction.

ryan: sweet dreams, bren.

brendon: you too, ry :)


	3. Chapter Three

"So then my boss started talking about his son, right?" Ryan's dad said, pausing to take a bite of his steak, waiting for Ryan to respond in some way.

"Yeah?" Ryan said between mouthfuls, encouraging him to continue.

"Well, his son has a girlfriend," His dad stated. "When are you getting one?"

Ryan swallowed the piece of food in his mouth nervously. He wiped his mouth with his napkin. "I had one," he said, carefully.

"Months ago," His dad retorted, rolling his eyes. "When's the next one?"

"Haven't found anyone I like," Ryan replied, shrugging. His mind wondered and he thought of Brendon.

Yeah, he was partially lying. There was someone he was interested in. But he knows his dad would not like to hear that if he knew who it was.

"Work on it," His dad suggested, but it didn't seem like a suggestion. More like a command to be followed. Ryan despised the fact that he felt inclined to listen and adhere to it.

"Of course." Ryan went back to eating his dinner, expecting the conversation to be over.

"You know, you don't have to like someone to date them," His dad commented. "I didn't like your mother before we went on the date."

Ryan frowned. "And that worked out well, didn't it?"

His father stared at him fiercly, glaring at him."Don't sass me, young man."

His parents were divorced. It was kind of messy, but it pretty much just happened because they didn't love each other, and his mother wanted to be with someone who loved her.

Ryan really respected his mother for that reason.

His dad making comments on his love life was completely ridiculous, considering his own love life was failing.

Ryan had the urge to bring up the fact that he hasn't seen his dad with a girlfriend in a while, but knew it would be better to hold his tounge.

But this conversation he had with his dad would come to mind frequently.

\-----

"You seem distracted," Brendon noted, pressing a kiss to Ryan's neck.

"I'm sorry," Ryan apologized, figuring it's probably killing the mood of their evening. "I've got a lot on my mind."

"Wanna talk about it?" Brendon asked, pulling away to look at him. 

Ryan was happy because it seemed like an option. He wasn't being forced to tell him, wasn't being forced to do anything.

He had the option to tell Brendon, or the option to keep it hidden. His dad never gave him options.

Ryan figured the best thing to do was tell him. If he doesn't tell Brendon, it'll just make him go insane.

"My dad just has things he wants for me that I don't want," Ryan whispered, shoulders slumping.

"I understand," Brendon replied, putting a hand on one of his shoulders. "My mom and dad are like that too. Want me to be like them."

"Exactly."

Brendon gave his shoulder a squeeze and smiled at him. "If you ever need to talk about that kind of thing, I'm open. I'll always listen, whenever I get the chance to."

Ryan felt so relieved that somebody would listen. His problems made him feel so stupid sometimes, and the thought that Brendon would still listen no matter what touched his heart. "Thank you, but what do you mean by whenever you get the chance to?"

"Don't message me while I'm asleep and expect an answer immeadiately," Brendon clarified.

Ryan bursted out laughing, and for some reason couldn't stop for the longest time. "Gotcha," he replied, after calming down.

Ryan turned to look at the alarm clock on his night stand. The time was close to 1 am and Ryan knew it was pretty much time for him to go.

Brendon kissed him before he left, and Ryan felt his heart beat a little faster.


	4. Chapter Four

ryan: do you feel the same way i do?

ryan: does your heart beat go faster when we kiss, or does it remain the same pace?

brendon: our heart beats synchronize. what's mine is also yours.

\-----

Their meetings continued, but the meetings became a bit more personal. They'd confide in each other secrets they haven't told anyone else, and their actions felt more intimate.

Instead of just kisses on the lips, they'll kiss each other's noses, cheeks, hands, and other places. 

It's more than just experimenting now. Feelings are involved now.

Or well, that's what Ryan thinks. But it's not like him and Brendon are exclusive. They aren't dating.

Ryan doesn't think he'd be able to date him. Not pubicly. He was too scared of judgement, and he got more and more scared as his feelings for Brendon increased.

As for Brendon, he was gradually acting a bit more outspoken at home. His parents didn't like it, of course.

But Brendon always knew he'd only get judging stares and harsh words from them if he told them he was catching feelings for a guy. 

But he did it anyway, because Brendon didn't like having to lie. Besides, he's not ashamed of it. It was the way it was. If he was attracted to guys, that's just the way he is. 

\-----

brendon: can i come over in 15?

ryan: it's only eight. are you okay?

brendon: can i come over or not?

ryan: yeah, just be careful.

When Brendon came over, he started ranting about it.

"Ugh, and it's so frustrating! They treat me like I'm a whole different person now that they know," Brendon whined, not knowing he was only encouraging Ryan's fears.

"I'm sure it'll be okay," Ryan said. "You're strong."

That was the main difference between the two of them. Brendon was strong and confident, and Ryan was not. Ryan cared what people thought of him, almost cared too much actually.

"I suppose..." Brendon agreed, trailing off.

Ryan figured if there was a time to gather his courage and ask, it would be now.

"Listen um, I was wondering if you only do this stuff with me..." Ryan said, staring at the floor.

"I have kissed another guy, if that's what you mean," Brendon answered.

"When?" Ryan asked sharply, perking his head up in a way that displayed his interest very obviously.

"I don't know. Just wanted to try it," Brendon replied, looking down at his hands.

Disbelief and anger ran through Ryan's body, filling him with a passionate energy.

"Isn't that what I'm for?!" Ryan retorted loudly, "To try things out with?"

"Why are you so mad?" Brendon asked in disbelief, shaking his head. "I don't belong to you, so it shouldn't matter if I kissed someone."

"Maybe we should fix that," Ryan suggested.

Brendon immediately grinned before his face fell. "But you'd want us to hide it, wouldn't you?"

Ryan nodded firmly. "Definitely. I'm not ready."

Brendon could understand, but at the same time, felt disappointed. He really liked Ryan, and wanted to show it to the world.

Brendon forced a smile. "Great. Let's be a thing."

Ryan grinned back, not realizing Brendon actually was a little upset. "Yay, we're now a thing."

Brendon was happy, but his stomach felt twisted.

He hated lying, and now he'd have to lie to the entire world.


	5. Chapter Five

"I found a girl for you to date," his dad said, eyes bright and smile wide.

"Okay," Ryan said, ignoring the stab to his heart. Maybe his dad would finally be proud of him if he did this. He could be the son his father wanted him to be.

Besides, it would definitely be a nice cover up for him and Brendon. Nobody would suspect them if he had a girlfriend. This was for the better, wasn't it?

So, his dad introduced him to the girl, and they went on a few dates. She was okay. Not his best choice, but it's not like he really had a choice.

They'd go on dates all the time, and were publicly dating. It was hard for students to find them seperately. 

Even though he didn't like her that much, Ryan found himself spending a lot of unneccesary time with her. She was a distraction, but she felt right.

It was okay to kiss her, to grab her hips as they kissed. He felt like people were finally approving of him, and it felt like the greatest thing in the world.

He nearly forgot about his boyfriend.

\-----

brendon: i'm coming over in 15.

ryan: you didn't even ask..

brendon: i don't care. i'm coming over.

But it's not like his feelings for Brendon had disappeared or even faded. As soon as he saw Brendon's face, he felt the butterflies in his stomach go in a frenzy, the way they never had with his girl.

"Why'd you feel the need to come over?" Ryan asked, after Brendon immediately sat down on the floor.

It hurt a little that Brendon wouldn't sit next to him, but he figured it was just the distance in their relationship.

"I'm breaking up with you," Brendon stated, quiet emotionlessly.

"W-What?"

Brendon rolled his eyes. "Don't pretend this wasn't coming. Face it, I never was your boyfriend. We just hid behind a lie."

Ryan couldn't breathe, couldn't even think rationally at the moment. "Did this mean nothing to you?" Ryan whispered, feeling tears build up in his eyes.

Brendon glared at him. "I think I should be asking you that, asshole."

And it stung, like it had been made to. It stung that Brendon was truly angry with him. It stung that Ryan couldn't get anything right in his life.

The one good thing in his life and he manages to fuck it up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he kept saying, tears slowly rolling down his face. "What can I do to fix this?"

At the sight of the tears, Brendon's eyes softened. But only for a moment, because his anger prevailed through the sympathy. "Nothing," he said. "You hurt me, and you still don't get it, do you?"

Ryan remained silent, trying to think, but his thoughts were all jambled.

And he remained silent when Brendon climbed out his window.

ryan: brendon

ryan: brendon i'm so sorry

ryan: i thought i could live two lives but i really can't

ryan: there is only one life i can live, and i want to live it with you.

Brendon didn't reply to his texts, and Ryan continued crying for the rest of the night, his tears staining his pillow.

He broke up with his girlfriend in the morning.


	6. Chapter Six

ryan: brendon

ryan: i miss you

\-----

Some have said that you don't know how good you have it until you lose it. This has remained true, especially in Ryan's case.

He was naive enough to believe that Brendon would be his forever, no matter what happened. No matter what obstacles life pushed at them.

He took it for granted. He should've known Brendon wouldn't want to share, that Brendon would want to be out and proud. 

He wants Brendon back, but there is a part of him that knows he would never be what Brendon deserved.

Brendon deserved a guy who'd gladly hold his hand down the street, without fear of judgement. Brendon deserved a guy who was proud of who they were. He deserved someone who wasn't Ryan.

So, other than the text messages, Ryan made no efforts to get Brendon back. Brendon wouldn't want him anyways, what would be the point?

His feelings didn't go away. They were still there, and he'd be reminded of them every time he managed to see Brendon, which was something he couldn't avoid.

Brendon looked fine, and the thought of him being over it upset him. It was probably selfish of him to want Brendon to be upset over him, but he thought it would reassure him that what they had wasn't a fling.

When you're young, it's natural to get involved with people. And people always say that teenagers don't understand love. Too young and dumb.

But to have fallen in love, especially in that short timespan, does that make Ryan dumb?

Probably.

\-----

Brendon wasn't as fine as he seemed. It was all appearances.

There was no point being hung-up over a guy who wouldn't give his all. Especially one who would go to such great lengths to hide them.

Practically every single day, Brendon scolded himself because his feelings remained. Even dating someone hadn't changed anything.

Not only was Brendon strong and confident, he was also stubborn too. He didn't want to admit to Ryan that he had made a mistake, and Ryan still hasn't even proven that he cares.

That's all he wanted. For Ryan to go the extra mile to show he wanted to be with him. It was all he could ever want after seeing how Ryan was with that girlfriend he had.

Seeing them kiss was so devastating for him, and he had only wished they could be like that. But it's not like he could force Ryan. He couldn't force him to come out, or to even return the intensity of the feelings that Brendon had for him.

What they may have had was definitely gone. Neither pursued the other, and the love died down. 

Everything was gone except for the memories, which would never disappear. They'd always be some of their first's. 

First real love, first kiss with a guy, and first heartbreak. Maybe it is dumb to label it love, but it was truly their first experience with it.

They both learned from it. Ryan learned that he should be proud of who he is, along with the fact that he could only live one life, and he needs to be careful about what happens in that life.

As for Brendon, he learned to be guarded around romantic interests. He learned to be more careful about the company he keeps. Sometimes being too eager isn't the best.

And they also know that love is fragile, and even the smallest thing can break it. 


End file.
